The Battle Within

No one knows the battle we are personally fighting. Everyone has a battle, because we are all in a war, a war with life. We are in a war with circumstances, our pasts, our desires, depression, shortcomings, etc. How do we equip ourselves for these battles  that cannot be fought with guns and knives and the black op fanfare of a PS4 game?

In a house with two gamers, I’ve seen just about every strategy out there. I’ve watched them watch strategies on you tube and videos of other people playing that are known for strategy. I’ve watched then talk to their teams on Bluetooth and shout where the enemy is so they can encircle them and attack.

See I’m in a battle right now, a battle that no one but me really knows. One that wrestles with my heart night and day and barely allows me to sleep without dreams that terrify me. I wake up in fear of a phone call or text that may ruin my day. I walk through the day in dread of unpleasant situations coming my way and having to face them.

I feel like I’m surrounded by that team of enemies and they are shouting in their bluetooths pointing to where I am. My teammates are getting taken out one by one and now, I only have a few trustworthy and loyal people left.

The leader of the team, Fear, tells his men to keep reminding me of my teen and young adult life where he ruled over me and caused me to build relationships based on fear instead of love.

Fear tells unworthy to remind me that unless I’m falling in line with the status quo I’m not worthy of true friendship, love and grace.

Fear tells depression, attack her family, if you can’t attack her, start attacking those she loves more than herself. Cause her to cry because she can’t help the very ones she vowed to love forever except with encouragement, love and understanding.

Fear tells exhaustion, overtake her, because she’s tired anyway. Keep her awake and when she does sleep, let her dreams reflect uneasiness.

Fear tells money to steer clear of her, make her worry you won’t show up on time. Make her think this new business venture was a pipe dream and a really bad idea.

Fear tells judgment whisper about how she and her daughter choose to wear their hair but smile snidely. Laugh about how bold she appears to be but you know she’s insecure and can be emotionally manipulated. Talk about her faults like they are entertainment.

Fear tells alienation make sure they aren’t included or asked but be sure they hear about all the events on Instagram and Facebook. Fear says make empty promises to her family and watch it make her grow bitter.

Fears team is feeling pretty good right now but I have news for them, I woke up with a battle cry on my heart today. Last night as we lay in bed talking, brad said to me, promise me you won’t stop fighting. I’m pretty sure that fear didn’t appreciate those   words and honestly I didn’t either at the moment. I promised him anyway because he’s on my side.

Fear told me that my emotional investment in my life, my family, my church and my business is just not worth the effort. Fear told me to run. Fear told me that I don’t have a community. Fear told me that good change doesn’t happen and proceeded to prove it by his team. Fear even convinced me to apply for a full time job to take me away from my family and business.

I woke up today with a fresh outlook. Good or bad, I’m taking on the day. I will deal with situations I hate and I will do my best to take fear out of the equation and trust in my team. David said it in Psalm 118:6 “The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”

How am I going to fight this battle, with multiple things warring against me. I’m going to retreat and get my bearings, I’m going to strategize and then I’m going to dig in my heels and fight like a girl.

I’m going to fight from my heart and for my heart. The enemy will not win this fight that is within me and around me. My husband and babies will get the best parts of me. My best friends will feel loved and supported. My business will thrive. My heart will heal. My family will feel valued. These things I declare as my war cry today.

When you see me I wont be any different than I was before you read these words.  You may see a smile because that’s what soldiers do, soldiers put on their game face and go to war. That’s not fake, its strategy. Its an action to throw off the enemy and sometimes it’s the only thing that allows you to survive.

Because in this war I discovered, Fear lies….that’s right! Fear takes truths and puts its own spin on them and makes them out to be more than they are. Fear causes assumptions, divisions, hurts and rifts that no one meant to happen. Fear is who we battle, not each other.


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