If you had asked me 6 months ago what Postpardum Depression was I would say it was something people used as an excuse to drown their babies in a bathtub. That is was for crazy people. That is was not real. That’s not where I”m at right now. I can’t remember the first day I felt like the walls were closing in or when small things made me so anxious I had to get up and take a walk just to continue my day, but I know it was in the last two months.
I don’t know what it is for every person, I just know where I’m at right now. I am forging through a darkness in my mind that is so thick sometimes that I forget I can breathe. Most people don’t see it, because I don’t let them. Most of the time I can keep it at bay enough to ‘fake it’ in public and if I can’t, I just stay at home because, honestly, that’s where I’m at right now. I know that the love in Cooper’s eyes is the only thing that gets me out of bed some days and I don’t know where I would be without that precious girl in my life right now.
I refuse to let this define me, I refuse to let it take so much of me that I don’t have any hope for it to go away. That’s where I’m at right now.
Where I’m at right now, there are good days where I feel no anxiety or anger or fear and I can laugh freely. There are also days I have to make myself get out of the bed and put clothes on because life doesn’t stop, because I have people who depend on me, because where I’m at right now in my mind, I cannot let depression completely engulf my life.
Where I’m at right now, I have an amazing husband who loves me, lets me vent, tries to stay of the way when I need him to and holds me when I cry because I am just so tired of fighting this junk. I am ever so thankful to him for loving me well and I cried today because I thought to myself, I will never be able to repay the effort he’s putting in on my behalf right now.
Where I’m at right now is scary and lonely and dark and all the while I am surrounded by love and light and family that is on my team. That is what keeps me sane in the scary, seeing Cooper’s good morning smile pushes me forward each day, hearing Logan playing the guitar makes the sky less black and a text message from Caitlin saying she misses me pushes back the clouds a little more.
Telling this to the five people who will read this blog takes my breath right now because it is telling the secret of where I’m at right now. But tonight, while I am strong enough to it, I know it’s a step toward the light. I know for me, this could go away tomorrow or I may deal with it until the day I die. I just know, that I won’t stop fighting it, I won’t stop looking for ways to make it better. I will wake up everyday and find a reason to be thankful and if this is just a season in my life, I will have a much better understanding of those around me who suffer with this situation.
I’ve always been told that talking about something takes the power away from it. I guess we will see how well that works in the morning when I wake up and realized that today was the day I hit publish instead of save draft on this blog.