Where I’m at right now. . . .

If you had asked me 6 months ago what Postpardum Depression was I would say it was something people used as an excuse to drown their babies in a bathtub. That is was for crazy people. That is was not real. That’s not where I”m at right now. I can’t remember the first day I felt like the walls were closing in or when small things made me so anxious I had to get up and take a walk just to continue my day, but I know it was in the last two months.

I don’t know what it is for every person, I just know where I’m at right now. I am forging through a darkness in my mind that is so thick sometimes that  I forget I can breathe. Most people don’t see it, because I don’t let them. Most of the time I can keep it at bay enough to ‘fake it’ in public and if I can’t, I just stay at home because,  honestly, that’s where I’m at right now. I know that the love in Cooper’s eyes is the only thing that gets me out of bed some days and I don’t know where I would be without that precious girl in my life right now.

I refuse to let this define me, I refuse to let it take so much of me that I don’t have any hope for it to go away. That’s where I’m at right now.

Where I’m at right now, there are good days where I feel no anxiety or anger or fear and I can laugh freely. There are also days I have to make myself get out of the bed and put clothes on because life doesn’t stop, because I have people who depend on me, because where I’m at right now in my mind, I cannot let depression completely engulf my life.

Where I’m at right now, I have an amazing husband who loves me,  lets me vent, tries to stay of the way when I need him to and holds me when I cry because I am just so tired of fighting this junk. I am ever so thankful to him for loving me well and I cried today because I thought to myself, I will never be able to repay the effort he’s putting in on my behalf right now.

Where I’m at right now is scary and lonely and dark and all the while I am surrounded by love and light and family that is on my team. That is what keeps me sane in the scary, seeing Cooper’s good morning smile pushes me forward each day, hearing Logan playing the guitar makes the sky less black and a text message from Caitlin saying she misses me pushes back the clouds a little more.

Telling this to the five people who will read this blog takes my breath right now because it is telling the secret of where I’m at right now. But tonight, while I am strong enough to it, I know it’s a step toward the light. I know for me, this could go away tomorrow or I may deal with it until the day I die.  I just know, that I won’t stop fighting it, I won’t stop looking for ways to make it better. I will wake up everyday and find a reason to be thankful and if this is just a season in my life, I will have a much better understanding of those around me who suffer with this situation.

I’ve always been told that talking about something takes the power away from it. I guess we will see how well that works in the morning when I wake up and realized that today was the day I hit publish instead of save draft on this blog.


13 thoughts on “Where I’m at right now. . . .

  1. Brad Deason says:

    You are strong enough. You are loved beyond measure. And one day you will look back at this as one of the defining moments in your life. I am proud of you as my wife, but I am more proud of you as a role model to those that need to hear this.

  2. Kitoto C. Von Hebb says:

    Shelly, you are extremely courageous
    and have shown a willingness stronger than
    most. In NA we have a saying, “we’re as sick
    as our secrets”. Letting all of this into the light
    Is what’s going to get you through this. I
    love you and if I can help in any way, please
    let me know. I too have battled depression. Most of my life, and it’s hard because it’s more like a place rather then a feeling. It colors everything around you. But! There’s hope! Life is beautiful today and my depression has been lifted with the help of Jesus, counseling, and medication. I dont know how you feel about counseling, but its a good place to start. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers 🙂

    • shellydeason says:

      I love that you said “is more of a place than a feeling” because those who have not been in this place tend to feel like it’s a mood or that you can cheer yourself out of a bad day which is so not the case. You almost know the moment your eyes open if your day is going to be good one the easy way or a good one because you fought for it to be good all day long, with every breath in you. Thank you for your prayers, right now, I am doing some natural remedies and if I don’t see some improvements by the end of July I am going to see a doctor and look at medication. I hate taking medicine in general so I’m trying to prevent that but we’ve agreed on that timeline as a family so we will see where we are at the end of next month. I love you girl!!

  3. Oneica says:

    Shelly, I am at a lost for words after reading your post. While I am not a mom, and thus have not dealt with postpartum depression personally, I have watched some of my close friends and family members struggle with it. I am glad that you recognize that, contrary to what some believe, it is NOT a sign of being crazy, weak, incompedent, or inferior by any means. I commend your tenacity in fighting it, and your bravery in chosing to speak up about it. Should you ever get to the place where you feel comfortable with my sharing your story, I really wish you would grant me permission to do so, as I believe it would be source of encouragement to other women who find themselves in that same place.
    I am so glad that the love and support of your loved ones help to make some of the “dark” days a little less dark. I am praying for the day that the darkness dissipates once and for all; I do hope that that day is today, but if not, rest assured that you have my love, thoughts and prayers through it all.

    Shelly, your story has touched me in a way I can’t quite explain. Thanks so much for sharing it with me.
    God bless!

    • shellydeason says:

      If there is anything I have learned through any struggle I have ever faced, it is that God can use what you are going through to help someone else. If what i am facing and fighting can help someone then by all means, share my story. I am usually so open about my life that few people have to wonder where I stand on most things, lol. This has been different that way, it’s felt like something you just don’t say to people, but your comment made me realize that this too is something to just share my heart about and let God use it for His glory. I love and miss you my girl, hope Miami is being good to you!

  4. Colleen says:

    I want to let you know how brave, strong, and wonderful I think you are for having the courage to write this but I don’t think I could find the right words. Please know that I’m here if you ever need someone to listen. Plus I’m a huge motivator when it come to getting people out of bed in the morning and to get moving, just ask Kitoto! 🙂 thank you for sharing!

  5. leeann spain says:

    Shelly, you are an amazing woman and mother. You inspire me to do better and make me laugh even when i don’t feel like it. I love you and you are always in my prayers.

  6. Amanda Pavey says:

    Shelly i just read your blog. I know how u feel. I feel that way every day. I have had depression for 13yrs. It started out as post partem but then turn to full blown depression. There are so many days i just want to end it all. Theres days i am fine. I feel like i’m on a roller coaster. So many ups and downs. I try not to cry in front of the kids but i do because i look at them and think of what if i was to end iot all right now where would they be?. How would they feel? If i didnt have those kids and Gods love i really dont know what i would do to myself? I have alot more to say but maybe i could tell u in private. You are not alone. I know how you feel.

    • shellydeason says:

      This really touched my heart. I think it makes us stronger to vocalize our struggles, I know that since I wrote this blog, I have received so many positive comments and emails. More of us struggle with this than we realize and we can definitely be here for each other. My kids and Brad are what keep me going to, so I know what you mean when you say that. Here’s to both of us having more good days than bad, let’s talk soon! I removed your phone number from the comment but it is now in my phone so we can connect. I just didn’t want it out on the internet for all to see.

  7. Amanda Lyn Walsh says:

    Hey Shelly! I love you and think you are such a wonderful and strong person. Cooper, Caitlin, Logan, and Brad are so lucky to have you as a wonderful example with you. I realize that we do not talk a lot anymore…and this makes me sad. Please call me if you need to talk.

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