No man need stay the way he is ~ Harry Emerson Fosdick
Something I am learning in my journey away from being ‘dark and twisty’ is that I don’t have to use my controlling nature for bad, and that most sucsessful leaders do have a controlling side to them. It is the trick of harnessing this control for good ~ the trick is finding the line between the dictator and the leader. Your wouldn’t think this would be so hard to see, but after about 20 years of dictating my environment, I can see that this will take a few skinned knees and a lot of prayer to figure it out.
As I delve into how my controlling nature is destructive, I have found that I can be any and all of the following: Obnoxious, Tenacious, Obsessive, Critical, Irritable, Demanding, Rigid, and Closeminded. That’s quite a list folks ~ quite a list ~ I am going to dig into the scriptures and start attacking this stuff soon but the first thing I have to do really is have a change of mindset.
I have to release a lot of anger and fear and frustration that come from the thought that, no matter what, I cannot change yesterday. I can’t convince my mom to leave the child molester she married. I can’t convince the seventeen year old me that she was not ready for marriage. I can’t go back to when my kids were babies and cherish that time like I should have. Life is full of should haves and could haves.
These disappointments in myself and others in the past, in part, controls my right now. It causes me to have anger and fear and frustration when I am not ‘in control’ of situations. God is really teaching me some things in this process.
I am realizing that 2nd Timothy 1:7 is something I have to memorize “God does not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and self-control”. God is not in it when I feel lost and overwhelmed by my anger or fear or when I let myself say things that should never enter my mind, much less escape my lips.
Most peoples’ brains make trust and faith synonymous. This may be right or it may be wrong, but mine certainly does not. I think that having faith in God and trusting God are two different things. I have faith that God takes care of my family, I have faith that He wants the best for me in everything I do, I have faith that He doesn’t put more on us than we can bear.
My problem is trust. It’s hard to trust someone as a father when you never had a great father figure in your life. It’s hard to really believe that going through this dark journey and getting past the smile I paste on my face for the world to see is going to be worth it. It’s hard to trust that when I get real with all this pain, that anyone will really love me. But the bible says if we have faith as a grain of mustard, that we can move mountains.
I am taking my mustard seed faith and I am moving forward because I don’t have to stay here. I don’t have to stay dark and twisty. Proverbs 25:28 says “A person without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls” so without this journey, the facade of safety I have used will always be that, a facade. Here’s to the journey and to the removal of the facade.
~ Shelly ~