Gotta love Grey’s Anatomy ~ truly one of the best TV shows ever. I have always been a fan of the phrase ”dark and twisty” as it describes Meredith Grey. I have always been intrigued by how she faces life and how she ‘controls’ her environment. I never, until recently, identified with her. Why is it that we refuse to see the side of us that hinders our growth and drives people from us at times? Have our traumas and trials of life scarred us so bad that we don’t see the dark and twisty within ourselves?
I have always prided myself in knowing that I was a ‘survivor’. I survived my mom being murdered before I was even 2 years old. I survived sexual abuse. I survived feeling like I was never enough for someone to put me first. I survived a broken marriage. I survived. . . . I can recall when others went through the same things as me and seemed to struggle and I could not see why they struggled so badly. In a way I felt sorry for them, but honestly, in a way, I felt superior. I had this whole survivor thing covered. I could stand in the face of adversity and prevail. I even let myself believe that God had made me stronger than others and that He wanted me to show people how it was done.
It was time for: A RUDE AWAKENING. Somethings have happened over the last few weeks to make me really take a hard look at how I ‘control’ my surroundings, my love ones, my inner circle of my life. My pastor put a book in my hand that initially made me grin. Control Freak in bright red across the cover made me think, sure I try to control things, but only in a good way. Only in a way that helps other people. This is the rude awakening part.
I’m learning daily that the way I try to control things around me has way more to do with the fact that there were so many things in my life as a child that I could not control. I reach and grab and fight for things that don’t even matter because I could not make decisions on the things that mattered the most. Does it matter if the top button on the shirt is buttoned when it’s put on the hanger? Does every car really look like its coming over in my lane? Are these just places where I put a controlled thumb on them because I feel more comfortable if it is my way?
In Matthew 3:7 it says “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” How have I walked around inspecting sawdust for 37 years? In this most uncomfortable place of trying to figure out how on earth I have allowed my ‘dark and twistyness’ to prevail, I am sad and I am scared to face these things that have held me back for so long.
I am finding that the scars of the past don’t have to be inability to communicate, or an incapacity for loving fully or shyness, but some scars manifest in controlling your environment so closely that at times, those around you feel like they can’t breathe. That at times, we can make those we love and hold the most dear, to think they are so pushed that they just want to escape. I am going to be blogging about this journey for a bit and for those who have faced the same situations I urge you to read Control Freak by Les Parrott and start facing the dark and twisty within you.
For those of you who live with someone who is dark and twisty, it’s a good book to understand where they are at and why they react the way they do.
As I move forward, I am clinging to this scripture Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I am pretty sure the hope and the future are not going to be ‘dark and twisty’ because He is leading me on this path and while there are parts that will be dark and parts that will be twisty, he sees the light at the end of the path and He has a peace that passes all understanding.