Well, I have a lot of areas to improve, I can promise you that but the one area that touches EVERY other area in my life is control. The need to control or tightly grasp situations, timelines, work situations and often my loved ones. It is hard to have a childhood where you had no control and so in my life, I’ve tended toward the control end of things. The “if I control it, it cannot control me” mentality has been something that was a coping mechanism as a kid and eventually became the way I did things.
When I met Brad, he challenged me on that in so many ways and I really feel like that was why God made him the perfect match for me.I can be crazy and emotional and controlling and he just looks at me blankly and will ask me if I’m done or if I feel better for acting that way. He’s a brick wall to that side of my personality and when I met him, it was the first time in 30 years that anyone had that effect on me.
It’s crazy really, when you think about how God places things. Brad was broken as a child by his abusive father and he had let go of ANY emotional feelings. He knew in his head he loved me and he wanted to marry me, but he didn’t have the emotional feelings of love and those butterflies that tend to make us deal with people even when we don’t want to. So, he wouldn’t deal with me being flat out crazy and controlling like I was when I met him in 2004. I have come a long way but like I said, I have a long way to go.
So here we were, two broken people, me overtly emotional, him a brick wall of emotions but I knew God had a plan. So, Brad would play defense to my offensive nature and when I wasn’t being crazy, I would try and help him ‘feel his feelings’. We were such a mess that when I look back on it, it is either really sad or almost funny. We went through so many things to prepare us for our healing and no matter how unemotional he was or how crazy controlling I was, we both knew the other one had our back, always.
I remember almost giving up a few times. Feeling like I had made a huge mistake in marrying someone, knowing that they did not have the emotional capacity for love. I am sure that Brad wondered (and probably still does) why he chose the crazy lady to spend his days with. I mean really, if you are going to wait until you are 40 to get married, at least pick a nice sweet girl, right? There is a moment in grained in my mind that will be in my heart until the day I die. We were sitting together talking and Brad tilted his head a bit and his eyes lit up and he smiled at me and I said what is wrong with you? He said, I just got butterflies looking at your face. I knew then that there is so much love in this world that even abuse and pain and fear cannot snuff it out completely. There were so many days that I held onto that moment when I wanted to quit and to just walk away.
As God continued to heal Brad’s brokenness, mine continued to be at the forefront. I always chalked up the way I was to being strong but it was weakness hidden inside a really hateful exterior. There were moments when God was healing Brad’s heart and I would come and rip him to shreds and he would retreat back inside that emotionless state for weeks even months and at those moments I realized that power of my words and my actions. So, thus was our healing process, one step forward, three steps back. But somehow, we continued on, loving each other with the short skill set we had.
God has done alot of healing in our hearts and in our lives over the last 9 years we’ve known each other but nothing like he has done in the last year. This year, 2012, has been an emotional roller coaster both good and bad for the Deason’s. When Cooper was born, a piece of Brad’s heart opened that he never knew was even there. He likes to say she was the first footprint on that part of his heart. He loves open and freely and our entire family can see a difference in where is has came from to where he is now. I have had a lot of healing this year too, and I have learned all that I thought was my strength was really my weakness and that I have to find a new strength. I am finding a new strength in letting go.
So I have chosen as my word for 2013 and it is RELINQUISH I am going to let go of the things that don’t matter and focus on the things that do. I am going to let my fist loosen it’s grasp on the things that aren’t even an arguing point and try and relax more. I am going to focus on the big picture and who I want to be and not on the tiny daily details I tend to obsess over and over again. I am going to give it up to God and let him control things in my life and my ministry and my job and my family as never before.
Voluntarily cease to keep or claim; give up
Abandon – renounce- give up – quit – waive – leave
It’s scary, the letting go, but I sign off today with my hand held open wide, holding onto nothing but the promise that He will be there to catch me and to help me through the mistakes of figuring it out.