Shelly Deason

Cooper, today you are two months old. You were not really too crazy about documenting that, though.

It is so hard to imagine that you are even here, much less that you are getting so big and growing so fast.

You are such a joy, you make my heart smile when I look in your eyes.

You have your Daddy wrapped up pretty tight.

And your sister.

And your brother.

And the Puppies.

This month, you met your friend Evie for the first time at The Pharmacy, one of our favorite places to eat.  Mommy and Evie’s Mommy met when we were pregnant and Evie was born two days after you were. You can’t tell that in this picture though, because you are still catching up in size.

You went for your two month check up today and your stats were:

Height: 20.25 “

Weight: 8 Lb. 12 Oz.

You are now in the 10th percentile which is a great improvement over where you were last month (1st percentile)

You have started taking 5-6 ounces of formula at a feeding and are sleeping better at night sometimes now. You also work beside Mommy sometimes in your very own office chair.

We were as surprised as you when on one night, you slept 11 hours and I kept getting up to make sure you were breathing but you were just super tired.

This month you have learned to smile and when you do, your whole face lights up.

You have been pretty gassy this past month too and we’ve given you probiotics and changed to a formula for fussiness and gas and it has seemed to help.

I could sit and look at you for hours. I see all of us in you, I see your dad’s cleft chin and profile, I see your sisters eyes, I see your brothers nose and I see your grandmothers features. You are the perfect medley of those who love you and you bring us so much happiness.

A month ago today Cooper surprised us yet again. Being pregnant in itself was a surprise. We thought Brad and I couldn’t have any babies and just when we began making empty nest plans, there she was, I was 9 weeks pregnant and our surprise soon turned to joy and anticipation.

I went in on Wednesday, March 7th for a routine weekly checkup. I was 36 weeks pregnant and we had just completed the nursery and had our last showers the weekend before. The week prior, the doctor became concerned about my blood pressure and protein in my urine and ordered blood work but it was just precautionary. So, we went in there on that Wednesday armed with information about birth plans and natural childbirth without epidurals and Pitocin. Funny how things go sometimes, huh? Just when you have a plan, things start to fall apart. That morning, the doctor said my blood platelets were low (117,000) so he wanted me to go and be observed at the hospital for an hour or so and have some more blood drawn. From my exam, he felt the baby had not turned yet because there was no indication that my body was responding to the contractions I had been having.

With trepidation, we went to Baptist Hospital and got the blood work going and the baby monitor attached. Cooper sounded great and was moving well so there were no worries with her. Me, on the other hand, not so good. My blood platelets had fell too low (101,000) and if they fell below 100,00 there was serious concern of a bleed out during labor and delivery. They moved me over to have an ultrasound and there she was, sitting upright. She had not turned head down and by all indication, was pretty content to be in that position. Had she been down, they would have probably started my labor and tried to see if I could have her myself. Unfortunately, that was not to be the case. Again, surprise to us, but not to the doctor, it was time to talk about a C-Section. A high risk OB looked at my file and conferred with my doctor. Yep, in three hours, a C-Section was to be had.

Now let’s take a step back and note that I did not have my bag packed, our phones died and we had only two locals numbers written down to make a phone tree. Thankfully, the numbers we had were people who we love dearly and were more than willing to start the calling process. Those three hours passed so quickly, it seemed like minutes to us.

Cooper Rae Hensley Deason was born at 3:50pm on March 7th and she was 5Lb. 8 oz. and 18 inches long. She was perfect, her lungs worked just fine even though she was 4 weeks early.

She was gorgeous and tiny and we loved her from the very first minute we laid eyes on her.  We stayed in the hospital on Wednesday and Thursday night and were released to go home on Friday. At release, Cooper weighed in at 5LB. 3 oz. which is normal for breastfed babies to lose a bit of weight so it was not too big of a deal.

On Monday, March 12th she had her first appointment with the doctor and we were excited to see how much weight she had gained. Again, Cooper surprised us by losing down to 4lb. 10 oz. and having trouble keeping her body temperature up. We were immediately sent to Vanderbilt’s Childrens Hospital for admissi

on because low body temps in a baby can be a sign of infection. The next 24 hours were scary and tiring to say the least. Blood and urine cultures were taken. A spinal tap was done as well. It felt like the world was spinning out of control and we had no idea why our baby was not doing well.

Cooper’s  jaundice level was 24 when we went into the ER even though outwardly she did not look jaundiced. At 25, they start looking at doing blood transfusions. This was so scary for us. We called on everyone we knew to pray and there were hundreds of people praying on her behalf. Miraculously, her jaundice numbers plummeted to below 10 the next day. The doctors said this would normally take 4 days to happen.  The power of prayer was at work.

After much discussion, we decided to supplement my breastfeeding with formula to try and get some weight on her, which in turn would help her to stay warmer, as she would have more fat on her body. This was a very hard thing for me to do because it made me feel like my body was failing her and again things were not in my control and that was so hard for me.  We stayed in the hospital through the 15th when we were able to head back home. On the 16th we saw the doctor again and Cooper had only gained a few ounces but her temps were good so we headed home with another appointment set for the 23rd.

Cooper did so well once we got back home. She was eating well with the nursing and supplementing and as we took her temperatures during the week, she was staying good and warm. We were so excited again on the 23rd to take her back and see how much she had grown. She had gained no weight and her temperatures were low again and we were so confused and devastated. It seemed like we just couldn’t get her where she needed to be so back to Vanderbilt we went on the 25th. This time her jaundice was fine though and we took yet another route in feeding. She was now on a eating schedule of every two hours with the goal to get 2 oz of food in her each feeding. She began to maintain her body temperature almost immediately and we were able to go back home again on the 25th, a Sunday.

She saw her doctor again on Monday, the 26th and Friday, the 30th and by then, she was back up to her birth weight of 5lb 8oz. Finally, we turned a corner and could take her home, hopefully for good. Her next appointment is on April 9th and it is a regular well baby checkup, for that I am thankful.

My friend, Jennifer McKinney, came to stay with us the weekend of March 31st. Jennifer is a photographer and she is traveling with her five kids over spring break taking photos across the south. She took some awesome photos of Cooper in between her photoshoots that she had scheduled here on our property. Here is one that she took:

Our days have finally started to make sense again and we are settling into a routine that now includes a baby. We are beginning to realize we need an extra 20 minutes to get out of the house and that we actually needed each of those burp clothes we got at our showers.

Easter is tomorrow and it marks Cooper’s first time at church. We are so excited to show her off. She has precious little dress that will probably be too big but I guess that’s okay, because all of her clothes are mostly too big. We took her on Friday to see the Easter Bunny and she slept through the entire thing, which lasted all of three minutes.

This has been a month! A month of ups and downs and scary and incredible and a month full of love and faith and prayers being answered. I would not take anything for this month. This month when we discovered how well we are loved by our family, friends and church. A month where we fell in love with the newest member of our family with abandon. A month that passed so quickly that I feel she will be a teenager before I blink my eye. Cooper, wait on that, okay? Mom needs more sleep before you get to be a teenager.

How did we get here? Seven years ago, I walked into a bingo hall just trying to sell some ads. What I found instead has made my life fuller, richer, funnier, crazier, bolder, and happier than the whole 30 years previous.

I am amazed that every day I love you more and that whether we are discussing the significance of beating Billie Jean King in a game of tennis or where God is leading us in our lives, it is always, if nothing else, interesting.

I love that you get me. I love that you know that even though I seem harsh and bossy on the outside,  that this is not who I am and that you nuture the good parts of me and help me push through the yucky parts.

I love that thinking about your face makes me smile. no matter if we head to Morton’s or McDonald’s, date night with you is always where I want to be. Especially with some Sweet CeCe’s.

I would rather be poor with you (and I have been, lol) than rich with anyone else in this world. We thought that this five year milestone  would be a cruise or heading for a vacation in Cali but things haven’t quite worked out that way this time. One day they will but until then, I will enjoy spending the day working side by side with my best friend, holding your hand and laughing as we recount how far we’ve come. This last few weeks have been an emotional, mental, and financial challenge but I’m proud of how we got here and I like where we are and am excited about where we are going.

Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for taking a chance with your heart. Thank you for loving me~

~ Shells~

Who is this girl who captured my heart 18 years ago today?

She is a girl who loves wearing camouflage and thinks that the country is the place to live.

She’s  the belle of the prom and has a smile that lights up the room.

She’s the girl who graduates in 17 days.

She’s the girl who cares more about being with her friends than actual colorguard.

She’s the girl who loves her brother even when she doesn’t act like it.

She’s the girl who loves babies and puppies.

She’s the girl I am proud to call mine.

Today, she’s not a girl, Today she is now a woman and while my heart swells in pride of who she is and who she is continuing to become, at the same time my heart breaks for the girl she used to be. My sincere hope is that I did enough as a mom to give her what she needs to be the adult. My hope is that she learned enough from me to take the good of me and incorporate it in her life and to take the bad in me and NOT be that at all. My prayer is that her love for Jesus guides her and will make up for all the stuff I did wrong and just didn’t do at all.

We’ve had a rough couple of months, trying to transition to this thing called adulthood. I’ve had a hard time stepping back and letting her go but I’m learning every day and have never been more proud to call her my girl.

Happy Birthday Cait!

I love you!

No man need stay the way he is ~ Harry Emerson Fosdick

Something I am learning in my journey away from being ‘dark and twisty’ is that I don’t have to use my controlling nature for bad, and that most sucsessful leaders do have a controlling side to them. It is the trick of harnessing this control for good ~ the trick is finding the line between the dictator and the leader. Your wouldn’t think this would be so hard to see, but after about 20 years of dictating my environment, I can see that this will take a few skinned knees and a lot of prayer to figure it out.

As I delve into how  my controlling nature is destructive, I have found that I can be any and all of the following: Obnoxious, Tenacious, Obsessive, Critical, Irritable, Demanding, Rigid,  and Closeminded. That’s quite a list folks ~ quite a list ~ I am going to dig into the scriptures and start attacking this stuff soon but the first thing I have to do really is have a change of mindset.

I have to release a lot of anger and fear and frustration that come from the thought that, no matter what, I cannot change yesterday. I can’t convince my mom to leave the child molester she married. I can’t convince the seventeen year old me that she was not ready for marriage. I can’t go back to when my kids were babies and cherish that time like I should have. Life is full of should haves and could haves.

These disappointments in myself and others in the past, in part, controls my right now. It causes me to have anger and fear and frustration when I am not ‘in control’ of situations. God is really teaching me some things in this process.

I am realizing that 2nd Timothy 1:7 is something I have to memorize “God does not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and self-control”. God is not in it when I feel lost and overwhelmed by my anger or fear or when I let myself say things that should never enter my mind, much less escape my lips.

Most peoples’ brains make trust and faith synonymous. This may be right or it may be wrong, but mine certainly does not. I think that having faith in God and trusting God are two different things. I have faith that God takes care of my family, I have faith that He wants the best for me in everything I do,  I have faith that He doesn’t put more on us than we can bear.

My problem is trust. It’s hard to trust someone as a father when you never had a great father figure in your life. It’s hard to really believe that going through this dark journey and getting past the smile I paste on my face for the world to see is going to be worth it. It’s hard to trust that when I get real with all this pain, that anyone will really love me.  But the bible says if we have faith as a grain of mustard, that we can move mountains.

I am taking my mustard seed faith and I am moving forward because I don’t have to stay here. I don’t have to stay dark and twisty.  Proverbs 25:28 says “A person without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls” so without this journey, the facade of safety I have used will always be that, a facade. Here’s to the journey and to the removal of the facade.

~ Shelly ~

Gotta love Grey’s Anatomy ~ truly one of the best TV shows ever. I have always been a fan of the phrase  ”dark and twisty” as it describes Meredith Grey. I have always been intrigued by how she faces life and how she ‘controls’ her environment. I never, until recently, identified with her. Why is it that we refuse to see the side of us that hinders our growth and drives people from us at times? Have our traumas and trials of life scarred us so bad that we don’t see the dark and twisty within ourselves?

I have always prided myself in knowing that I was a ‘survivor’. I survived my mom being murdered before I was even 2 years old. I survived sexual abuse. I survived feeling like I was never enough for someone to put me first. I survived a broken marriage. I survived. . . . I can recall when others went through the same things as me and seemed to struggle and I could not see why they struggled so badly. In a way I felt sorry for them, but honestly, in a way, I felt superior. I had this whole survivor thing covered. I could stand in the face of adversity and prevail. I even let myself believe that God had made me stronger than others and that He wanted me to show people how it was done.

It was time for:  A RUDE AWAKENING. Somethings have happened over the last few weeks to make me really take a hard look at how I ‘control’ my surroundings, my love ones, my inner circle of my life. My pastor put a book in my hand that initially made me grin. Control Freak in bright red across the cover made me think, sure I try to control things, but only in a good way. Only in a way that helps other people. This is the rude awakening part.

I’m learning daily that the way I try to control things around me has way more to do with the fact that there were so many things in my life as a child that I could not control. I reach and grab and fight for things that don’t even matter because I could not make decisions on the things that mattered the most. Does it matter if the top button on the shirt is buttoned when it’s put on the hanger? Does every car really look like its coming over in my lane? Are these just places where I put a controlled thumb on them because I feel more comfortable if it is my way?

In Matthew 3:7 it says “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” How have I walked around inspecting sawdust for 37 years? In this most uncomfortable place of trying to figure out how on earth I have allowed my ‘dark and twistyness’ to prevail, I am sad and I am scared to face these things that have held me back for so long.

I am finding that the scars of the past don’t have to be inability to communicate, or an incapacity for loving fully or shyness, but some scars manifest in controlling your environment so closely that at times, those around you feel like they can’t breathe. That at times, we can make those we love and hold the most dear, to think they are so pushed that they just want to escape. I am going to be blogging about this journey for a bit and for those who have faced the same situations I urge you to read Control Freak by Les Parrott and start facing the dark and twisty within you.

For those of you who live with someone who is dark and twisty, it’s a good book to understand where they are at and why they react the way they do.

As I move forward, I am clinging to this scripture Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I am pretty sure the hope and the future are not going to be ‘dark and twisty’ because He is leading me on this path and while there are parts that will be dark and parts that will be twisty, he sees the light at the end of the path and He has a peace that passes all understanding.

~Shelly~

Being raised in a evangelical christian church self-help groups were not something I was around. In fact, self-help groups where even discouraged and mocked to some degree where I was raised. People I knew were taught to turn to Jesus for their addictions and problems of life. Although I never heard NA or AA preached against, I did hear it preached about. I heard it preached about how the people there needed Jesus and that coming to church would be the answer for them. Coming to church and to an altar of repentance would solve their problems and they would have no need for a support group.

I was surprised at the structure of the meeting. There was a program and explanations for the steps that people were on and different people were assigned tasks to read the rules of NA and the expectations of those participating. Many times as someone would say ‘their part’ you would see others saying it along with them as this is something they have memorized and live by.  My friend, towards the middle, told her story and it was moving and funny and I could tell that those in the audience related to what she was saying. It was an honor for her to ask me there and I was glad to support her.

As the end drew near, the lead speaker of the meeting had someone come up to give out chips for certain milestones;  a yellow keychain tag for 9 months clean, a green key chain tag for 6 months clean, etc. Then something amazing happened that even now, a few months later, picks at the back of mind on many days.  Then the leader said, come up here if  you are ready to start this journey, come up and get a white key tag if you want to be clean from now on ~ if today is your day to start come on up and amazingly, in that structured meeting, people started going up . At least two or three people went up and were welcomed with open arms and the audience applauded.

Romans 5: 3-5 in the Message reads “There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!”

I just came home from a prayer meeting and I am still overwhelmed at the goodness of God.

As I prayed tonight, thanking God for bringing our family to Nashville, to Point of Mercy, for blessing us in so many ways by providing and even by saying no to us at times I remembered where I was 10 short years ago.

I was sad and lonely and thought no one would ever love me the way a girl wants to be loved. I thought that I was destined for loneliness and in those moments, I blamed God. I blamed Him because I wanted Him to fix it my way, not His. I wanted things that He knew would never come to pass and He knew that a better future than I could have ever imagined just awaited me.

So in those moments when I felt alone and forsaken by God, he was smiling because He could see me tonight, crying in thankfulness for every valley that I have walked through because it brought me here. He smiled because He knew there was more in me than I ever thought there could be. He knew a love awaited me that makes my heart still skip a beat after seven years. He knew that I would walk through things that only His presence could mend.

So tonight, as I cried in his presence, I felt such Joy just knowing He loves me enough to save me from my choices and sometimes He loves me enough to let me make the mistakes. He loves me beyond anything I could imagine and that when we walk in His presence, that is where we find true joy.

~Shelly~

Normally I don’t find many nuggets for Christianity in television. On a recent episode of  ”How I Met Your Mother”,  Ted was talking about looking for love. He was talking about how every woman he met had some kind of baggage:

• I live at home with my Mom
• I was left at the altar
• I came from a broken home
• I’m afraid of commitment

~ the comical part of all this was that they people carried actual bags and luggage that had these saying on them.

How man of us have bags that say things like this?

• my dad hit me
• a church hurt me
• my husband left me
• my child is sexually active
• I don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent
• I lost my job
• Life feels unfair

We all have bags that we carry and as christians, we don’t like others to see our baggage. We like to pretend everyone else around us has baggage, but not us. We are bag free, carefree, full of Jesus and have no worries, right? But when we are honest and look deep in ourselves, we all have our own bags . It is time to be Christ-like and not only start acknowledging our own bags, but to quit judging our friends bags and help them carry them.

If I want to get real with this blog today, my bags are so heavy and full right now that if I dropped one of them, I would probably break my foot. As I struggle through this trial of frustration and wonder if the bag can hold one more thing, another rock seems to fall into it. Wait a minute, the bag got lighter, nope, that was a mistake, the rocks were just shifting to make room for more.

I do know this, that if we share our bags they seem lighter even if they aren’t. Just knowing someone else sees the baggage and is aware of it by giving a smile or making you laugh when you want to cry is one of the best gifts you can give someone. So today, carry someone’s bag for a minute by praying for them.  Walk a mile in their shoes and help them with their bag because tomorrow your bag may be too much and you will need them like they need you now.

~Shelly